Thursday, February 12, 2015

Canine Dating Advice


Abby the Lab here.  I am just too excited tonight, just having been asked to the Heart to Heart Dance with Joey from The Daily Bone (with a little help from Ruby the matchmaker).  I can't wait to see what Dad comes up for Mom for Valentine's Day.  It's pretty hard to top the dozen roses made out of duct tape he did the first year they were dating.

I have to say, Mom is glad her single days are behind her, as Barkley could attest to some of the lousy dates she had (the worse being the blind date that wanted to go out with her because I was a LEO, thinking that was her astrological sign, and running from the table when he found out otherwise-- his being on house arrest and all).  Those of you who have read The Book of Barkley know THAT story.

So from what I've learned from Mom - I'm going to give you some advice on Dating for humans.

Abby the Lab's Advice on How NOT to get a Second Date. 

(1) Rent a uber-fancy new car and drive around like you actually own it. (a) If you look like you spent $80,000 on a set of wheels  but you live in a single wide trailer you are  SO not getting a second date. and (b) Think of all the good toys you could have bought with the $1000 you spent on the Ferrari that so did NOT impress her. Think about it while she goes home alone because she knows it's what's in the HEART that counts - not what is in your wallet.


(2) Rent a chick flick and buy chocolate. Chocolate's not good for dogs but dog Mom's love it but my mom would rather watch "Top Gear". This is too easy - and likely NOT going to work. Use your imagination and don't get her what every other guy gives a gal. 

(3) Sample International Cuisine at a Street Fair - have you SEEN the food at a street fair? Unless you have a large dose of Pepto in your purse, this is one to miss.

(4) Pick up two snack packs of KFC and go to the Steam Engine Fest.  Are you kidding me?  Mom says the snack packs do NOT have enough biscuits.

(5)  Swimming with the Dolphins.  Sure it looks all fun and romantic on TV but it can turn bad as quickly as a bottle of Tinks  "doe in estros" scent accidentally spilled in  a hunter's pocket at the height of deer mating season, only underwater.

(6) Drive out to a country setting and snuggle with your date under the stars. Watch your date carried off by pitchfork wielding lunatics.
(7) Cook for your date. If you can cook, great. If you can't, do NOT attempt to heat up two single serving frozen entrees and serve on two plates or your date WILL ask for seconds. Or your head on a platter.

(8) One word. Yatzee. No.

(9)  Avante Garde Live Entertainment. Any event where your date might get splattered with overly ripe fruit or processed meat products is never going to end well.

(10) A walk on a quaint old bridge late at night. Picture downtown late at night. A canal. Meeting that crackhead who wants to toss you into the water after steeling your wallet. Viva la romance!

(11)  Small Carnival on the edge of town.  Carnival Ninjas.  That's all I can say.



(11)  A trip to the Comic Convention.  Look, she does NOT want to see you in spandex, She really doesn't care if Paraxxus is wearing the same outfit as Galactus and if she runs into Thor it might get awkward

(12)  Romantic romp on the Beach.  You know that scene from "Here to Eternity" with Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr rolling around in the waves?  Sure it looks all romantic, but that's Hollywood.  They edited out the beach tar, biting crabs, seagull poop and nearsighted geezers with  metal detectors.

(13). Play a video game.  All evening, while your date sits next to you on the couch.  Tell her, while the apple pie gets cold,  you're "just getting your kid to the next level".  Do not get to the next level yourself.  EVER.

You're getting WARMER. . . .

(1)  Take her to an event that you both like, and bring her dog along-- show interest in her opinions, make her laugh.  Bring a homemade gourmet tailgate meal so she doesn't have to eat a corndog and chips with "Cheezeeee" sauce.

And take extra treats for the dog.


14 comments:

  1. Great advice! ALWAYS take care of the dog!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  2. Barharhar...so Abby, you gonna give us your run down on your Heart to Heart date on Monday, and will it be as funny.

    Da Sus

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  3. Great post Abby! Love the duct tape roses…She had a similar floral arrangement one year. Instead of live flowers, it was a package of flower seeds (She likes to garden). So, she took them to work, taped the packet to a pencil and put them in a paperclip holder. Wasn't the greatest bouquet, but everyone came by to see her "flowers!" BOL We're looking forward to the dance on Saturday! That Joey is a great guy! We hope you have lots of fun on your date!

    Waggies,
    Braeden, Seth and Riley

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  4. OMD! Your mom has had some...interesting, yes we'll we go with that...dates!!
    Wally & Sammy

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  5. You had me at "steam engine."

    And on a first date, always put your best paw forward.

    John in Philly

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  6. OH ABBY.... these are grrrreat tips... Esp. that last one... TREATS fur the dog...

    On their first date... our DAD took Mom to the DUMP to shoot RATS...
    That was not cool.

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  7. Wow! Are those roses really made out of duct tape? You must enjoy watching the Red Green Show! (Duct tape: the handy man's secret weapon!) The dating suggestions are great! I'm sure all the young people I know will get a good laugh out of this!

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  8. Murphy - you've got that right!

    Susie and Sidebit - I sure will - I can't wait for my date with Joey.

    Braeden and Seth - I like your Mom's flower idea BOL.

    Wallace Wright-Parkin - I'm just glad she found Dad - he is so good to me with lots of walks the snuggles.

    Whitley - I'm just glad we've got Ruby to fix us up on dates so we don't have to do the human dating ting.

    John - indeed.

    Frankie Furter and Ernie - The DUMP? Not my idea of a fun time but I'm glad your folks found each other.

    CLW Step - they are indeed. Dad is a mechanical engineer and likes designing things. Mom and Dad love the Red Green show (if you can't be handsome - be handy) barharhar

    Abby Lab

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  9. Oh this is expert advise indeed. This should have been published long ago.
    Blessings,
    Goose

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  10. Good advice especially the extra treats for the dog.

    Although Daddy managed to marry Mommy in spite of some misadventures. Namely a creek that flowed the wrong way and winding up in a cow pasture when the inflatable raft deflated and having to walk to a corner store where thankfully one of Mom's school mates worked.

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  11. they all sound kinda fun, but like the last one best! :)

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  12. Well what I think is ~ If you have only one smile in you give it to the people you love.
    Happy Valentine's Day with lots of hugs.
    Sweet William The Scot

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  13. OMD that sounds like tips for the date my mom once had... thanks for Sprite, who saved her that day lol.
    I like the last tip, specially the part about the dog treats :o)
    happy valentines day to you
    easy rider

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Welcome to The Book of Barkley. This blog was created for more memories of Barkley as well as updates on Abby the Senior rescue Lab,who we adopted in 2014.

Stop in and say hello. 100% of book sales are donated to animal rescue organizations across the U.S. and Canada and Search Dog Foundation. If you have a non-profit animal organization and would like autographed copies of any of my three books for auction fundraisers or a blog post featuring your organization please contact me at cliodna58@gmail.com