Tuesday, June 9, 2015

BAD MOVIE - NO BISCUIT!

Abby the Lab here.  Our house has a tiny little TV - as when I'm home we don't watch much, mostly CD's of our favorites, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Red Green, Corner Gas, Top Gear, NCIS, Castle.

But at the crash pad, where Mom lives when she's on duty, there are nights, (especially with Dad also busy at work) that Mom watches movies.
Here I am on the crash pad couch looking SO excited to watch Captain Kirk again.

I have no say in the selection.  I've requested all kinds of dog movies but Mom just serves the SCI fi channel for whatever is free.  Let me just say, we've sat through some that were REALLY bad.   You know what I'm talking about.  Some of your peeps have  seen them, worse, your peeps may have PAID to see them, long ago.
Dreamcatcher (2003) - Sure, you can put Stephen King's name all over it but you lost me at parasitic butt weasel.

Slugs (1988) - Quick men!  Get the giant saltshaker!

Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busey is a possessed cookie. I say again. Gary Busey is a possessed cookie.

Sex in the City Two - Mom actually turned this one off saying there was not enough white wine in the world to watch it to the end.

Robot Monster (1953) - Put a man in a gorilla suit. Put a diving helmet on his head. Watch audiences either lose interest or completely doze off. It was so boring Mystery Science Theater 3000 never took a shot at riffing it that I know of.
I fell asleep on the grey dog bed right after the Robot Monster attacked.

Aeon Flux (2005) - It's futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. And not in a good way. But there IS action -watch the characters posture and argue while checking out each other's clothes.

The Neverending Story - Thank you God.  It Ended.

Laserblast (1978) - Boy goes on rampage with a cereal box prize. The Submariners of the US Navy had elaborate methods to keep this  movie off  the boat where they would be stuck with it for 90 days. Why?  It's not just bad, it's Cthula Rising From the Sea bad.

American Hustle - as exciting as reading the US Tax Code
Spidermen/X-Men 3 (2007, 2006) -You know what  they say about the best thing of superhero trilogies? The first two movies.

Jurrasic Park III- Watch it backwards. The dinosaurs throw up people until the pesky airplane goes away.

Battlefield Earth (2000) - Mom said she has a lot of absolutely gruesome injuries in her time but I  never contemplated a shrimp fork as a lethal weapon before.
The Core (2003)- Let me put it this way: this is a science fiction movie about the end of the world that didn't bother to consult any real science. Let's all walk in 9,000 degree F. Core Fluid and survive long enough to override a compartment ejection system! No problem!

Green Lantern (2011) - Nothing says awesome super power like "lantern".

Independence Day  (1996) - Sure, the single, reciprocating engine agricultural pilots can immediately strap on a fighter plane and save the world  as surely as  Jeff Goldblum can instantly cook up a little string of alien-compatible code that when delivered is going to end with the Alien Mothership switching to Wordpress and fleeing to outer space.
Howard the Duck (1986) - Failure goes by many names.  Howard the Duck is one of them.  Fans of the comic book hated it, sci fi lovers hated it, kids hated it. I left the room as did  my friend the Aflac Duck.

Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen  (2009)-  The dog humping scene is both a discredit to dogs AND humping.

Frankenstein Island (1981) - They called them "Amazon women" because that's where they were ordering their identical leopard skin bikinis,  "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo, makeup and rubber skulls from.

Armageddon (1998)- Shop Class saves the world! Resolute on violating every law of dramatic unity and physics, Armageddon makes The Core look like a documentary.

Twilight (2008) - I'm an Immortal, handsome, powerful and hundreds of years old.  I'm going to enroll in high school in a small town forever!

Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977) - Members of what I think were the Charlie Daniels Band, crash lands on a planet where they become tasty snacks for the natives.
Gymtaka (1985) - Combine gymnastics with karate and you get a particularly bad movie, though  it is almost worth it for the infamous pummel horse scene. Who knew the infrastructure of most third world countries is made up of parallel bars and a pummel horse.

Signs - actually the movie wasn't that bad but the science was, specifically the  moment when the heroes discovered the invading aliens weakness after they'd already shown up at the door.  Water.

Imagine you're in that little alien landing party

Captain:  Ensign Ricky do you have the readouts.

Ensign Ricky:  Yes Captain:  71% of the planet is covered in a substance that will kill our species. As well there is 2 million cubic miles of that same substance stored within a half mile of the earths surface, which is inhabited by animals and fauna also composed of the same substance.   Oh, and there's 3,100 cubic miles of that substance in vapor form in the atmosphere at any time, waiting to rain down upon us.  I'm thinking we should turn a. . .

Captain:(turning to the landing party with upraised arm (tentacle, whatever) in full battle cry:  "FREEDOM!!!!"
Terminator 3 (2003) - No matter how many of them you kill, another one shows up naked in a little glowing ball of energy just as you got the kids down for a nap.

The Giant Claw  (1957) - Cold War Jet Pilots and obnoxious teenyboppers are menaced by a mutated Gonzo from the Muppet Show.

Night of the Lepus  (1972) - Quick!  Release the 200 foot Elmer Fudd! Through the special effects of really bad editing , weird camera angles and tiny little houses and trains from the hobby store,  little domestic bunnies appears as giants galloping across your house and eating Aunt Daisy (actually for the attack they use a man in a rabbit suit). Deforrest Kelleys mustache was the scariest thing in this flick. Be vewwwy vewwy quiet.

And lastly:  Reservoir Dogs - It's NOT ABOUT DOGS!

I wish someone could find the remote for me so I can change the channel.


9 comments:

  1. I think it is time to CHEW the Cords... butt then what do I (Frankie Furter) know. Peeps are SUCH a mystery..... don't you wonder why they don't watch somethingy GOOD like
    DEADING of a Squirrel and Deading of a Squirrel II and Deading of a Squirrel the THREEQUAL.... ?????????? or even Night of the DEADED SQUIRRELS.????????

    ReplyDelete
  2. BOL BOL! I's still laffin over parasitic butt weasel.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yuppers, peeps are indeed a mystery!!! Ma likes her crime dramas! And BBC Mysteries and all that stuffs. I say...YAWN!!!!! Where are the doggies barkin'??? The kittehs to chase??? The tree rats to dead??? pfffft!
    Oh, butts Ma says Independence Day is one of her FAVS, so don't tell her I told you okays?
    Nows, abouts that parasitic butt weasel.....
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh no Mommy would have to disagree with yours on a few of those, but I know how it goes. In my house, it is all horror horror horror. I just sleep, I find it is the best way to get through it.


    Loveys Sasha

    ReplyDelete
  5. If our MOM watched dog movies she would cry even if they have a happy ending and dad gets tired of seeing her cry so we have to watch ONLY shows he likes, mostly on the history channel, so mom reads and we sleep on her lap it works well then for all of us.
    stella rose

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hari OM
    ...can honestly say I have never paid to see any of those... never heard of most of them... and the few I have...didn't even buy or rent. Your TeeVee choices though? Oh yeah, we could pawty!!! I have lots of doggy movies on my shelf, Abby... jus'sayin'.... hugs and wags, YAM-aunty xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. This borders on animal abuse! Those kind of shows would never appear on our TV. Me and Stanley rule the remote!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bwahahaha! You like The Red Green Show! That's one of our favorites too! Will we ever get to meet Stinky Peterson at the Possum Lodge? (Do we really want to?)

    Ghostwriter says they stopped going to movies as a family after the big disappointment of the Jurassic Park sequel where the dinosaur invades suburbia and eats the nice doggie. Blah!

    Now we watch movies on TV occasionally. (Ghostwriter is partial to Minions.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Now that a great list of pretty much TRASH....our Mom and Dad watch Si-Fi, but they are very picky about it be half way believeable........Abby the trick to to go and walk across the peep and step on the remote....works welll here!

    The Mad Scots

    ReplyDelete

Welcome to The Book of Barkley. This blog was created for more memories of Barkley as well as updates on Abby the Senior rescue Lab,who we adopted in 2014.

Stop in and say hello. 100% of book sales are donated to animal rescue organizations across the U.S. and Canada and Search Dog Foundation. If you have a non-profit animal organization and would like autographed copies of the book for fundraisers or a blog post featuring your organization please contact me at cliodna58@gmail.com