But at the crash pad, where Mom lives when she's on duty, there are nights, (especially with Dad also busy at work) that Mom watches movies.
Here I am on the crash pad couch looking SO excited to watch Captain Kirk again.
I have no say in the selection. I've requested all kinds of dog movies but Mom just serves the SCI fi channel for whatever is free. Let me just say, we've sat through some that were REALLY bad. You know what I'm talking about. Some of your peeps have seen them, worse, your peeps may have PAID to see them, long ago.
Slugs (1988) - Quick men! Get the giant saltshaker!
Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busey is a possessed cookie. I say again. Gary Busey is a possessed cookie.
Sex in the City Two - Mom actually turned this one off saying there was not enough white wine in the world to watch it to the end.
Robot Monster (1953) - Put a man in a gorilla suit. Put a diving helmet on his head. Watch audiences either lose interest or completely doze off. It was so boring Mystery Science Theater 3000 never took a shot at riffing it that I know of.
I fell asleep on the grey dog bed right after the Robot Monster attacked.
Aeon Flux (2005) - It's futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. And not in a good way. But there IS action -watch the characters posture and argue while checking out each other's clothes.
The Neverending Story - Thank you God. It Ended.
Laserblast (1978) - Boy goes on rampage with a cereal box prize. The Submariners of the US Navy had elaborate methods to keep this movie off the boat where they would be stuck with it for 90 days. Why? It's not just bad, it's Cthula Rising From the Sea bad.
American Hustle - as exciting as reading the US Tax Code
Jurrasic Park III- Watch it backwards. The dinosaurs throw up people until the pesky airplane goes away.
Battlefield Earth (2000) - Mom said she has a lot of absolutely gruesome injuries in her time but I never contemplated a shrimp fork as a lethal weapon before.
Green Lantern (2011) - Nothing says awesome super power like "lantern".
Independence Day (1996) - Sure, the single, reciprocating engine agricultural pilots can immediately strap on a fighter plane and save the world as surely as Jeff Goldblum can instantly cook up a little string of alien-compatible code that when delivered is going to end with the Alien Mothership switching to Wordpress and fleeing to outer space.
Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen (2009)- The dog humping scene is both a discredit to dogs AND humping.
Frankenstein Island (1981) - They called them "Amazon women" because that's where they were ordering their identical leopard skin bikinis, "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo, makeup and rubber skulls from.
Armageddon (1998)- Shop Class saves the world! Resolute on violating every law of dramatic unity and physics, Armageddon makes The Core look like a documentary.
Twilight (2008) - I'm an Immortal, handsome, powerful and hundreds of years old. I'm going to enroll in high school in a small town forever!
Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977) - Members of what I think were the Charlie Daniels Band, crash lands on a planet where they become tasty snacks for the natives.
Signs - actually the movie wasn't that bad but the science was, specifically the moment when the heroes discovered the invading aliens weakness after they'd already shown up at the door. Water.
Imagine you're in that little alien landing party
Captain: Ensign Ricky do you have the readouts.
Ensign Ricky: Yes Captain: 71% of the planet is covered in a substance that will kill our species. As well there is 2 million cubic miles of that same substance stored within a half mile of the earths surface, which is inhabited by animals and fauna also composed of the same substance. Oh, and there's 3,100 cubic miles of that substance in vapor form in the atmosphere at any time, waiting to rain down upon us. I'm thinking we should turn a. . .
Captain:(turning to the landing party with upraised arm (tentacle, whatever) in full battle cry: "FREEDOM!!!!"
The Giant Claw (1957) - Cold War Jet Pilots and obnoxious teenyboppers are menaced by a mutated Gonzo from the Muppet Show.
Night of the Lepus (1972) - Quick! Release the 200 foot Elmer Fudd! Through the special effects of really bad editing , weird camera angles and tiny little houses and trains from the hobby store, little domestic bunnies appears as giants galloping across your house and eating Aunt Daisy (actually for the attack they use a man in a rabbit suit). Deforrest Kelleys mustache was the scariest thing in this flick. Be vewwwy vewwy quiet.
And lastly: Reservoir Dogs - It's NOT ABOUT DOGS!
I wish someone could find the remote for me so I can change the channel.