Monday, June 5, 2017

BAD Movie - No Biscuit.

Abby the Lab here.  Our house doesn't have a TV (we gave it away) - as when Mom and Dad are  home they hardly ever watched it,  mostly CD's of their favorites, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Red Green, Corner Gas, Top Gear, NCIS, Castle and those can be watched on the big screen computer monitor Mom has for work since her office is also the family room.

She watches a lot more when it's just she and I while Dad is on the road.

Here I am on the couch looking SO excited to watch Captain Kirk again.

I have no say in the selection.  I've requested all kinds of dog movies but Mom just serves the SCI fi channel for whatever is free.  Let me just say, we've sat through some that were REALLY bad.   You know what I'm talking about.  Some of your peeps have seen them, worse, your peeps may have PAID to see them, long ago.
Dreamcatcher (2003) - Sure, you can put Stephen King's name all over it but you lost me at parasitic butt weasel.

Slugs (1988) - Quick men!  Get the giant saltshaker!

Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busey is a possessed cookie. I say again. Gary Busey is a possessed cookie.

Sex in the City Two - Mom actually turned this one off saying there was not enough white wine in the world to watch it to the end.

Robot Monster (1953) - Put a man in a gorilla suit. Put a diving helmet on his head. Watch audiences either lose interest or completely doze off. It was so boring Mystery Science Theater 3000 never took a shot at riffing it that we know of.
I fell asleep on the grey dog bed right after the Robot Monster attacked.

Aeon Flux (2005) - It's futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. And not in a good way. But there IS action -watch the characters posture and argue while checking out each other's clothes.

The Neverending Story - Thank you God.  It Ended.

Laserblast (1978) - Boy goes on rampage with a cereal box prize. The Submariners of the US Navy had elaborate methods to keep this  movie off  the boat where they would be stuck with it for 90 days. Why?  It's not just bad, it's Cthula Rising From the Sea bad.

American Hustle - as exciting as reading the US Tax Code
Spidermen/X-Men 3 (2007, 2006) -You know what they say about the best thing of superhero trilogies? The first two movies.

Jurrasic Park III- Watch it backwards. The dinosaurs throw up people until the pesky airplane goes away.

Battlefield Earth (2000) - Mom said she has a lot of absolutely gruesome injuries in her time but I never contemplated a shrimp fork as a lethal weapon before.
The Core (2003)- Let me put it this way: this is a science fiction movie about the end of the world that didn't bother to consult any real science. Let's all walk in 9,000 degree F. Core Fluid and survive long enough to override a compartment ejection system! No problem!

Green Lantern (2011) - Nothing says awesome super power like "lantern".

Independence Day  (1996) - Sure, the single, reciprocating engine agricultural pilots can immediately strap on a fighter plane and save the world  as surely as  Jeff Goldblum can instantly cook up a little string of alien-compatible code that when delivered is going to end with the Alien Mothership switching to Wordpress and fleeing to outer space.
Howard the Duck (1986) - Failure goes by many names.  Howard the Duck is one of them.  Fans of the comic book hated it, sci-fi lovers hated it, kids hated it. I left the room as did my friend the Aflac Duck.

Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen  (2009)-  The dog humping scene is both a discredit to dogs AND humping.

Frankenstein Island (1981) - They called them "Amazon women" because that's where they were ordering their identical leopard skin bikinis,  "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo, makeup and rubber skulls from.

Armageddon (1998)- Shop Class saves the world! Resolute on violating every law of dramatic unity and physics, Armageddon makes The Core look like a documentary.

Twilight (2008) - I'm an Immortal, handsome, powerful and hundreds of years old.  I'm going to enroll in high school in a tiny isolated town so I can meet chicks.

Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977) - Members of what I think were the Charlie Daniels Band, crash lands on a planet where they become tasty snacks for the natives.
Gymtaka (1985) - Combine gymnastics with karate and you get a particularly bad movie, though it is almost worth it for the infamous pummel horse scene. Who knew the infrastructure of most third world countries is made up of parallel bars and a pummel horse.

Signs - actually the movie wasn't that bad but the science was, specifically the moment when the heroes discovered the invading aliens weakness after they'd already shown up at the door.  Water.

Imagine you're in that little alien landing party

Captain:  Ensign Ricky do you have the readouts.

Ensign Ricky:  Yes Captain:  71% of the planet is covered in a substance that will kill our species. As well there is 2 million cubic miles of that same substance stored within a half mile of the earth's surface, which is inhabited by animals and fauna also composed of the same substance.   Oh, and there's 3,100 cubic miles of that substance in vapor form in the atmosphere at any time, waiting to rain down upon us.  I'm thinking we should turn a. . .

Captain:(turning to the landing party with upraised arm (tentacle, whatever) in full battle cry:  "FREEDOM!!!!"
Terminator 3 (2003) - No matter how many of them you kill, another one shows up naked in a little glowing ball of energy just as you got the kids down for a nap.

The Giant Claw  (1957) - Cold War Jet Pilots and obnoxious teenyboppers are menaced by a mutated Gonzo from the Muppet Show.

Night of the Lepus  (1972) - Quick!  Release the 200 foot Elmer Fudd! Through the special effects of really bad editing, weird camera angles and tiny little houses and trains from the hobby store,  little domestic bunnies appears as giants galloping across your house and eating Aunt Daisy (actually for the attack they use a man in a rabbit suit). Deforrest Kelley's mustache was the scariest thing in this flick. Be vewwwy vewwy quiet.

And lastly:  Reservoir Dogs - It's NOT ABOUT DOGS!

I wish someone could find the remote for me so I can change the channel.


8 comments:

  1. I always thought the most egregious coding error in Independence day was the employment of a MacBook.

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  2. Abby, it is clear that you are suffering. This is your house too and you deserve a bark in what shows are watched for entertainment. Your pawrents need to apologize (with bacon) and let you pick some shows.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

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  3. Hari OM
    Yuppers, there are some 'dogs' out there in movie-land! Only last evening I was bemoaning the fact to father and bro that there are very few intelligent AND 'correct' films, in the sense of making logical outcomes to situations and with proper pawseedure/science. A rare breed indeed... Hugs and wags, YAM-aunty xxx

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  4. We heard a theory that it's not water generally that killed the Signs aliens, it was holy water. The little girl was supposed to be blessed, and she's the one who left the glasses all over the house. That's why they said the cure was discovered in the Middle East, even though that's not a place big on water.

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  5. I really think that you need a dog movie. I mean how could see even begin to argue that?

    Wags
    Oreo

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  6. The things we do to bond with our Mamas...we sure hope there was LOTS of popcorn freely given during this movie torture!!

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  7. Wow! That's quite a list of crummy movies! Abby, I hope you got some doggie yum yums for having to watch all those! Dad has been watching a Chinese CSI show on Netflix lately just for laughs. We also saw a couple movies from Thailand that were pretty good. One was called "Mindfulness and Murder" (a monk who is an x-cop solves a murder at the monastery) and another one called simply "P" about a young girl who goes to the big city to earn money for her elderly mother (guess where that goes?) and ends up becoming possessed by a demon. Hey, it's better than giant evil rabbits!

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Welcome to The Book of Barkley. This blog was created for more memories of Barkley as well as updates on Abby the Senior rescue Lab,who we adopted in 2014.

Stop in and say hello. 100% of book sales are donated to animal rescue organizations across the U.S. and Canada and Search Dog Foundation. If you have a non-profit animal organization and would like autographed copies of any of my three books for auction fundraisers or a blog post featuring your organization please contact me at cliodna58@gmail.com