Thursday, January 7, 2016

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Internet Spam Haiku - by LBJ

You too can make two
hundred dollars an hour
writing poetry

SPAM - like leading a horse to water.  Or not.

I've seen it all, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's some that is just a positive but totally generic comment followed by a link to their business site or blog that's trying to sell you something.  Then, on a post that was tied into something 100% pet related I get this:

"And sees simply no results odds are they don't learn your suitable strategy to exercise people can't only jump into here are usually three classic exercises to try whether you would want to bulk up."

Followed by what appeared to be a link to a fitness site.  DELETE. Not only am I not interested, I don't do business with people that can't form a complete sentence.
Like this dog - SO not impressed.

But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are usually the ones that also seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English.

It's not just the blog. There's the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source  for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy.  Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island  -

"I humbly request your ass. . ."

Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?

"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”

"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress"  (Annie Oakley gets her man?)

The Johnson Household Crown Roast of SPAM

Of course,  there are the  the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment  that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could.  "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) -  "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"

Always filling up my SPAM folder are those creepy ads for pharmaceutical products for men that would make a South St. Louis crack dealer blush. I will not repeat here as this is a family friendly blog.
Then there's the ones that are pure gibberish.  Written by a computer or simply someone reading the thesaurus after smoking the Happy Poppy.

Most people believe that a satellite falls in love with a loyal tape recorder, but they need to remember how ostensibly a load bearing burglar wakes up.  

If you want to have real fun, reply to one of those SPAM's from foreign women named Natasha or Anna the hot chick who saw you at the grocery who want to throw their bodies at you if you'd just send them air fare-- with your own auto generated reply.
Dear Darling Natasha.   

ANY sandwich can accurately sanitize an imaginary deficit, but it takes a real fruit cake to avoid contact with the steam engine.  The cab drive for an industrial complex ostensibly is a big fan of a grain  of sand.  Now and then a asteroid near a paper napkin pees on the boiled warranty.

Remember darling, when you see the ski lodge it means the tattered customer went to sleep.
Yours
LB

But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely  based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after one long and stressful week.  Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)

"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"

And finally - my favorite of those one liners .

THIS MASSAGE IS FROM HOMELAND SECURITY.  (Secret Service-- I might have bought it .  . .)

So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?

8 comments:

  1. WE are very VERY fortunate to receive only a few SPAMS per Year... Can't even remember the last one.... butt here is a NOTE: don't just DELETE it you have to Mark it SPAM FIRST ... THEN Delete... or those buggers will come back ... just like SQUIRRELS Do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. we laugh at our spam, and sometimes post about it for a good chuckle. stella rose

    ReplyDelete
  3. Omgosh. I get some WEIRD ass comments. Mostly about God wanting me to burn in hell if I don't visit a site or take down my evil writings. Hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hari Om
    Like F&E, I get very little spam at all, and that which has slipped through has been marked as such; Google are pretty hot on tracking such stuff. Equally so in Gmail, only one message in the past 12 months has slipped through the spam detect 'noose' and not been sent directly to the spam folder - but it did have a yellow alert line - it was just that there was not sufficient evidence either way.

    Now I feel boring... YAM xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. We got a few just today. They weren't interesting, just tried to make a generic comment that would pass muster.

    Keep Calm & Bark On,

    Murphy & Stanley

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have a lot of Russian women who want to be my friends. I also left my wallet with lots of money in a location I have never been. I rarely read the spam, I just delete it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. BOL! I get some weird ones from da foreign ladies too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Would still want to be able to always be training every various other day it will be advisable in order to improve your split here we suggest chestbiceps legs back shoulderstriceps you are Ageless Alpha generally free in order to button them around with fact you're encouraged to help do and so everyweeks heavy compound movements will probably still be ones staple.

    http://www.healthybeats.net/ageless-alpha.html

    ReplyDelete

Welcome to The Book of Barkley. This blog was created for more memories of Barkley as well as updates on Abby the Senior rescue Lab,who we adopted in 2014.

Stop in and say hello. 100% of book sales are donated to animal rescue organizations across the U.S. and Canada and Search Dog Foundation. If you have a non-profit animal organization and would like autographed copies of any of my three books for auction fundraisers or a blog post featuring your organization please contact me at cliodna58@gmail.com