Thursday, October 20, 2016
Why It is Good to be a Dog
I think the best part about being a dog or a cat is you don't have to deal with insurance companies.
I've been married almost three years now and I got my new dental coverage card and it STILL has my maiden name on it. Changing one's name when one gets married is more work than most guys would realize, But think about all the different accounts where you name is at? It can be dozens. When I got married after 20 years of being single--I was excited for the change to go from the 30th something most common name in America to the 2nd. I was moving up in the world. Some folks asked if I wanted to hyphenate it. But with a hyphenated middle name on my birth certificate, I would have been a double hyphenated name and people would think I was British.
4 Credit Cards- 3 bank accounts, one IRA and 72 different secret squirrel passwords (which you can't write down you must remember all of them so you can change them every 45 days), a few months left on a truck loan, and two passports. I was done.
Except for my dental insurance. For my very large and well known dental insurer couldn't get the name changed, over two years despite a copy of the marriage license, repeated requests, and one veiled threat to "actually find a dentist in my network even if they're all an hour away so you have to pay out big time". My regular health insurance - same company-- changed it and I they were awesome to deal with through the knee surgery and routine redhead upkeep and the coverage was excellent. But the dental division of the same insurer was a thorn in my side, to the point that even my periodontist staff (who I just love), says every time I come in-- "do you still have the same crappy insurance?"
Then, many, many months after my marriage, several calls and times I got so cross I was blue-- I get my new card after they said they fixed it. It has my maiden name on it.
I go back to the original number which I'm pretty sure was in the U.S. - The nice lady explains that I can cancel my auto pay and when that's done and I don't pay they'll cancel the policy. So I call the number she gives me and I get to listen to a recording on Obamacare restrictions and grandfathering at which point, at the end of the message it hangs up on me. I call again and listen to the message again (seriously they really shouldn't play that recording so close to an election). Finally-- I get a human. I'm so excited - a real human, made of carbon, with fingers that can type into a computer and fix my issue. Unfortunately, I seem to have a human in another country where scores of young people are drawn into new jobs with "learn English, get high paying job manning the shouting customer help desk!"
At this point, I wanted to poke my eyes out with a pineapple and then call my general health insurance. They know my real name.
Finally - "John," says the automated billing is removed but I'm told I still have to talk to a healthcare "adviser" in my state before they can do so. They then ask me something "Statis?" Static?" All I can think of is that old SNL skit--"Is it SATAN?" What? Oh--what STATE do I live in.
I was tempted to answer "someplace between anger and a really sharp object" but I said my home state.
"I'm going to pay for it out of pocket".
Silence. And I mean silence. The phone goes dark for several minutes at which point I say "are you there?". I get a gentle sigh and he says, kindly, "you could get on your husband's plan" and I feel for Jeff - somehow I sense he gets several of these phone calls a day and like the first lady I spoke to, he just wants to help. He gets it handled and I thank him.
I love my husband - but they need to add "foreign call centers" to the vows.