In Dog Beers I've Had Just One - On Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is never fun.  But with my husband being in charge of spiders, dead possums in the yard, and home repairs, grocery shopping is my weekly chore.  I HAVE learned some things, however.

100 carts in the store and I will get the one with the front wheel that pirouettes like a ballerina on crack.

I always make a list.  Sometimes I remember to bring it with me.

Always eat something before shopping.  I once went on an empty stomach and came home as the proud owner of Aisle 5. They say flying is dangerous. No - grocery store parking lots are dangerous. For there are NO rules in the parking lot. Go as fast as you want. Go any direction you want. Those abandoned carts are there for you to circle your KIA around like a barrel racer. Ignore the redhead shrieking and running for the door. 

There's a reason they have a coffee stand right inside the door, caffeinated people are more likely to buy more. (Look gluten-free bacon~!~~) They also only have one barista for everything which helps you build patience for when you are waiting in line at the 2 check stands out of 38 that are open.

 If you're shopping with a grandchild fill your purse with enough snacks and treats to feed a small army for a week. Preferably with sugar -before you send them home to your loved ones that said "Nana LOVES to take you shopping". It IS possible to get road rage behind someone

in a slow cart in Aisle 9.

 

Sorry Mom, that TP was trying to attack.

It's more exciting if you can pretend you're out hunting in the Serengeti. Look, there's the rare extra soft toilet paper, and hiding there trying not to be noticed, that rarest of all things, the Lysol Disinfectant Wipe (wondering if you'll be taken out by the swipe of a paw by Social Distancing Karen if you go for them). No matter how bad the supply chain is - there is ALWAYS Vegan "buttery" (you're out of WD40 aren't you?) spread available.

If someone is standing directly in front of the item I need I will pretend to look for something else before they move.

I  once lost my Step Mom in the store.  I was 53.  They gave me a balloon and paged her.

I do not object to telling the millennial who has 87 items in the Express Aisle "that I know all the lyrics to Frozen and I am NOT afraid to use them".

I have, on more than one occasion of many years, turned the Betty Crocker Upside Down Cake box in the aisle - upside down.

I realize that I get excited that I can now buy the unhealthy cereal my Mom usually didn't let us have.

Someday they will say about me "she died doing what she loved, carrying 87 plastic bags of groceries from the car to the house, rather than make 2 trips.".

That being said - happy to have survived and make it home for a cold one, though for me it's iced green tea with cucumbers and strawberry,

And frozen fish sticks - as I was tired out from all the shopping.