Sunday, February 3, 2019

Abby Lab on the Pooper Bowl and Other Sports

It seems you can't turn on the TV without sports, channels devoted to sports, channels of discussions about channels with sports and always, sports-related references on every show out there, including even Mom's favorite shows. .

Linda: And in sports, Yankees fifth-blurnsman William Wu is out with an injured knee

Morbo: So, humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed. Mua-ha-ha!

Mom's not much of a sports fan either but when she blew out her knee a few years ago during "Labrador Retrievers on Ice!",  She found that most of her guy friends blew out their knees with an event involving a combination of testosterone and a ball (as opposed to her injury which involved Barkley, a female golden retriever across the street, wintery steps and gravity).

So I kind of doubt she will be watching the Pooper Bowl in our house today as she has about the same level of understanding of the game that I do.

I'd have Mom write this but her exposure to sports in school was wearing a one-piece thigh length gym monkey suit the color of sanitarium walls and dribbling a basketball on the court indoors as to not mess up her hair.

Football: My Grandpa loves football. He'll watch it all day long if allowed. I've tried, but so far all I understand of the game is that it is divided into four 15 minute quarters, each of which lasts up to several hours and a dead pig is involved, but no bacon. There's running and a lot of crashing into each other and falling down. That is followed by replays in slow motion of the running, crashing and falling down, seen by every camera available anywhere, including the Hubble telescope and the next door neighbor's "DeerCam". That, then, is followed by 10 commercials featuring large vehicles, beer, and women who don't seem to own much in the way of clothing. At any given time, there are about a dozen players from each team on the field while the other 100 or so players that ran out in the beginning of the game sit on the sidelines, hoist Gatorade and wave at their Mom's, while the coaches pace rapidly up and down the field, looking like they have a live, angry ferret in their pants.
Now that football is covered - let's talk about other sports.

Skiing: Mom's never been skiing. She told me about one ski area in the Sierras viewed during a drive into the mountains on a cold sunny day that had a cautionary road sign with a cow on it, to alert drivers on their way to the slopes to the free range cattle in the area. She didn't go skiing but someone drew skis and a stocking cap on the cow with a Sharpee.

Mom's Application for squirrel employment:

Have you or anyone known to you plotted to overthrow the U.S. Government? That would be a no.

Have you ever defaced a State Cow Sign? I didn't inhale.

Skiing's not bad, in and of itself, for falling off the side of a mountain does take a fair amount of grace. But not all females view attaching slippery sticks to her feet and then getting hauled up a mountain on a tiny wire, feet dangling over the abyss, as fun.

Snowmobiling: Less a sport, and more an outdoor "activity" it can be a compromise for those that don't want to go skiing, while still playing in the snow. Most snowmobiles weigh as much as a freight train. Remember that before you attempt an assault on a steep incline with a date on the back that only has SO much forward center of gravity. Additionally, getting "stuck" in a snowdrift is not the same as "oops, I ran out of gas". You are not going to get a smooch, you are going to get frostbite.

Bullfighting: Popular in Spain, Portugal and parts of Latin America, it's more of an art form than a sport. But I know about it in that my peep Grandpa has a beautiful wall sized 12 frame panorama of a bullfight, painted in oils, complete with spurting blood, that he bought for his first house with my late Grandma. She banished it to the garage. After she passed and he remarried, he tried again to hang it in the living room. It's in the garage. That tells you something about women and bullfighting that is probably all that needs to be said.

Racquetball: It doesn't matter what year it is, most people playing racquetball have more wrist and headbands than an Olivia Newton John video. The game consists of hurling a ball against a wall like a kangaroo after espresso shots and swearing. I am not even sure if there is a point system involved.

Golf: If it were any slower it would be farming.

Hockey: Mom's son in law plays hockey. Keep your Stick on the Ice J.

Soccer - Although thousands of kids in the U.S. played on teams, professional soccer games in the U.S. seems to draw the fan base of the last airing of John and Kate Plus 8. It's immensely popular in other countries though, not so much here. The biggest complaint is that it's "slow" but compared to golf it's positively frantic~

Hurling: Hurling is a sport of Celtic origin that involves men without helmets whacking the hell out of things (including each other) with a stick. From a viewpoint of testosterone and impending violence, hurling makes American football like an episode of Barney the Dinosaur. Don't take a female to a hurling event if she is squeamish at the sight of blood. I enjoyed it, though had to ask a couple of time "so is that one deaded??" After one such game, the men proceeded to go to a pub to drink a concoction of tomato juice, Guinness and Worcestershire sauce. That was probably to replace the blood loss. (Note: Not to be confused with "curling" the world's No. 1 broom related sport.)

Ice Skating: Highly competitive with winners getting medals and losers getting "Snoopy on Ice". It's more fun to watch if you like choreography as much as athleticism. The women are all beautiful and the men can do backflips while wearing 1970's disco shirts.

If you're not into choreography, it can be more fun if you make a drinking game out of it and knock back some White Wine every time one of the announcers makes one of the following comments:

"And he NAILS it!"
"What he does, he does very, very well."
"He *just* couldn't hang onto the landing."
"He fell just short of the rotation."
"He's gotta be happy with that program."
"Five or six major flaws, but otherwise an excellent, *excellent* program in anyone's book."

Caber Tossing: I don't know of many females who would say no to watching a handsome male Scot in a kilt throw a telephone pole, a sport of more strategy than thinking. But with most contestants being tall, muscular and good looking, you're probably not going to impress if you take her to a Caber Toss, then go home and suggest a game of lawn darts, even if you leave your pants off and wear a kilt.

Rugby: Similar to soccer, only in that shorts and a shirt are involved, it involves throwing yourself with courage in front of a large, bloodthirsty New Zealander (see bullfighting).

Nascar: Love it or hate it, where else can you get three dozen teams playing on the same field doing 200 mph, with loud engine noise and prayer on national television, all without apology.

Wrestling: Chuck Norris, with the Element of surprise, could take any one of them on a bad day. That's all I'm saying.

Croquet: I don't care how much gin is involved, it's still boring,

Baseball: We went to one non-professional game where there were families and kids and dogs. There was lots of cheering and a crowd that was both enthusiastic and well behaved.  I didn't get to chase the ball though but we had a great time.  It's the all-American game for a reason, plus unlike soccer, if it has boring parts there's hot dogs and sno cones.

Hot Dog!  Yes, baseball is our favorite.

Abby T. Lab


  1. Lady doesn't really do sports either. She does understand football. Man is watching it and lady is doing internet stuff😀

  2. In the past I have been a big fan of football but lately with all the politics and endless stream of commercial breaks, I gave it up. I watched Puppy Bowl XV, it was soooooo much better.

  3. BOL! Dad and Grampa Ed tried multiple times to explain football to my ghostwriter without any success. The four siblings' efforts to teach her the rules of Pokemon were just as unsuccessful. Me, I only play one sport and it has only one rule: the squeaky toy is always MINE!

  4. Your mom has a fantastic view of sports. We dogs suffer from too much sports in our house. Maybe we can come visit you when there is a big game on here.

  5. we are more with mr. churchil: no sports... but currently rugby is a big topic, it's 6 nations time and next sunday is france vs. england... another version of 100 years war ;O)))


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