Tuesday, April 21, 2020

While Most of Us Are Stuck at Home - BAD Movie! No Biscuit!

Abby the Lab here.  Our house doesn't have a TV (we gave it away) - as when Mom and Dad are home they hardly ever watched it,  mostly CD's of their favorites, Star Trek, Dr. Who, Red Green, Corner Gas, Top Gear, NCIS, Castle, Firefly and those can be watched on the big screen computer monitor Mom has for work since her office is also the family room.

She watched a lot more when she had her crash pad while she worked in Indy.

Here I am on the couch looking SO excited to watch Captain Kirk again.

I have no say in the selection.  I've requested all kinds of dog movies but Mom just surfed the SCI fi channel for whatever is free.  Let me just say, we've sat through some that were REALLY bad.   You know what I'm talking about.  Some of your peeps have seen them, worse, your peeps may have PAID to see them, long ago.
Dreamcatcher (2003) - Sure, you can put Stephen King's name all over it but you lost me at parasitic butt weasel.

Slugs (1988) - Quick men!  Get the giant saltshaker!

Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busey is a possessed cookie. I say again. Gary Busey is a possessed cookie.

Sex in the City Two - Mom actually turned this one off saying there was not enough white wine in the world to watch it to the end.

Robot Monster (1953) - Put a man in a gorilla suit. Put a diving helmet on his head. Watch audiences either lose interest or completely doze off. It was so boring Mystery Science Theater 3000 never took a shot at riffing it that we know of.
I fell asleep on the grey dog bed right after the Robot Monster attacked.

Aeon Flux (2005) - It's futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. And not in a good way. But there IS action -watch the characters posture and argue while checking out each other's clothes.

The Neverending Story - Thank you God.  It Ended.

Laserblast (1978) - Boy goes on rampage with a cereal box prize. The Submariners of the US Navy had elaborate methods to keep this  movie off  the boat where they would be stuck with it for 90 days. Why?  It's not just bad, it's Cthula Rising From the Sea bad.

American Hustle - as exciting as reading the US Tax Code
Spidermen/X-Men 3 (2007, 2006) -You know what they say about the best thing of superhero trilogies? The first two movies.

Jurrasic Park III- Watch it backwards. The dinosaurs throw up people until the pesky airplane goes away.

Battlefield Earth (2000) - Mom said she has a lot of absolutely gruesome injuries in her time but I never contemplated a shrimp fork as a lethal weapon before.
The Core (2003)- Let me put it this way: this is a science fiction movie about the end of the world that didn't bother to consult any real science. Let's all walk in 9,000 degree F. Core Fluid and survive long enough to override a compartment ejection system! No problem!

Green Lantern (2011) - Nothing says awesome super power like "lantern".

Independence Day  (1996) - Sure, the single, reciprocating engine agricultural pilots can immediately strap on a fighter plane and save the world  as surely as  Jeff Goldblum can instantly cook up a little string of alien-compatible code that when delivered is going to end with the Alien Mothership switching to Wordpress and fleeing to outer space.
Howard the Duck (1986) - Failure goes by many names.  Howard the Duck is one of them.  Fans of the comic book hated it, sci-fi lovers hated it, kids hated it. I left the room as did my friend the Aflac Duck.

Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen  (2009)-  The dog humping scene is both a discredit to dogs AND humping.

Frankenstein Island (1981) - They called them "Amazon women" because that's where they were ordering their identical leopard skin bikinis,  "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo, makeup and rubber skulls from.

Armageddon (1998)- Shop Class saves the world! Resolute on violating every law of dramatic unity and physics, Armageddon makes The Core look like a documentary.

Twilight (2008) - I'm an Immortal, handsome, powerful and hundreds of years old.  I'm going to enroll in high school in a tiny isolated town so I can meet chicks.

Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977) - Members of what I think were the Charlie Daniels Band, crash lands on a planet where they become tasty snacks for the natives.
Gymtaka (1985) - Combine gymnastics with karate and you get a particularly bad movie, though it is almost worth it for the infamous pummel horse scene. Who knew the infrastructure of most third world countries is made up of parallel bars and a pummel horse.

Signs - actually the movie wasn't that bad but the science was, specifically the moment when the heroes discovered the invading aliens weakness after they'd already shown up at the door.  Water.

Imagine you're in that little alien landing party

Captain:  Ensign Ricky do you have the readouts.

Ensign Ricky:  Yes Captain:  71% of the planet is covered in a substance that will kill our species. As well there is 2 million cubic miles of that same substance stored within a half mile of the earth's surface, which is inhabited by animals and fauna also composed of the same substance.   Oh, and there's 3,100 cubic miles of that substance in vapor form in the atmosphere at any time, waiting to rain down upon us.  I'm thinking we should turn a. . .

Captain:(turning to the landing party with upraised arm (tentacle, whatever) in full battle cry:  "FREEDOM!!!!"
Terminator 3 (2003) - No matter how many of them you kill, another one shows up naked in a little glowing ball of energy just as you got the kids down for a nap.

The Giant Claw  (1957) - Cold War Jet Pilots and obnoxious teenyboppers are menaced by a mutated Gonzo from the Muppet Show.

Night of the Lepus  (1972) - Quick!  Release the 200 foot Elmer Fudd! Through the special effects of really bad editing, weird camera angles and tiny little houses and trains from the hobby store,  little domestic bunnies appears as giants galloping across your house and eating Aunt Daisy (actually for the attack they use a man in a rabbit suit). Deforrest Kelley's mustache was the scariest thing in this flick. Be vewwwy vewwy quiet.

And lastly:  Reservoir Dogs - It's NOT ABOUT DOGS!

I wish someone could find the remote for me so I can change the channel.


  1. Great and imaginative reviews. Your mom should put all the cds on the floor and watch the first on you step on.

  2. Tell your momma to look for a movie called Sgt. Stubby. It's an animated movie about the grreatest war dog of all time. He served in WWI and was not just a rat-catcher in the trenches, he alerted his humans to poison gas attacks and even captured two German soldiers on his own! He survived the war and came home a hero. You can even see him in the Smithsonian today. Momma and I both really enjoy the movie. Stubby has lots of little yips and growls and noises that kept me engaged while she enjoyed the rest of the story.

  3. Yeah, I confess I've said "there's two hours I'll never get back again" waaaay too often, especially lately as I continue to adhere to the stay in place restrictions.

  4. Your reviews are amazing.

    I have committed to watching all the marvel movies during self isolation. It is a lot of my life I am not getting back lol.


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