Internet Spam Haiku - by LBJ
You too can make two
hundred dollars an hour
SPAM - like leading a horse to water. Or not.
I've seen it all, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's some that is just a positive but totally generic comment followed by a link to their business site or blog that's trying to sell you something. Then, on a post that was tied into something 100% pet related I get this:
"And sees simply no results odds are they don't learn your suitable strategy to exercise people can't only jump into here are usually three classic exercises to try whether you would want to bulk up."
Followed by what appeared to be a link to a fitness site. DELETE. Not only am I not interested, I don't do business with people that can't form a complete sentence.
Like this dog - SO not impressed.
But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are usually the ones that also seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English.
It's not just the blog. There's the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy. Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island -
"I humbly request your ass. . ."
Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?
"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”
"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress" (Annie Oakley gets her man?)
The Johnson Household Crown Roast of SPAM
Of course, there are the the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could. "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) - "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"
Always filling up my SPAM folder are those creepy ads for pharmaceutical products for men that would make a South St. Louis crack dealer blush. I will not repeat here as this is a family friendly blog.
Most people believe that a satellite falls in love with a loyal tape recorder, but they need to remember how ostensibly a load bearing burglar wakes up.
If you want to have real fun, reply to one of those SPAM's from foreign women named Natasha or Anna the hot chick who saw you at the grocery who want to throw their bodies at you if you'd just send them air fare-- with your own auto generated reply.
ANY sandwich can accurately sanitize an imaginary deficit, but it takes a real fruit cake to avoid contact with the steam engine. The cab drive for an industrial complex ostensibly is a big fan of a grain of sand. Now and then a asteroid near a paper napkin pees on the boiled warranty.
Remember darling, when you see the ski lodge it means the tattered customer went to sleep.
But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after one long and stressful week. Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)
"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"
And finally - my favorite of those one liners .
THIS MASSAGE IS FROM HOMELAND SECURITY. (Secret Service-- I might have bought it . . .)
So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?