Friday, May 22, 2015

Dating Disasters - Dogs and Dates

Blind dates from hell.  Admit it, you've had one.  In the Barkley book there is a story of my personal shortest blind date, which fortunately, I can laugh at now.

Tonight, I think I want to laugh again, if only to myself.

 So for you, some adult Classic Dating Disclaimers.  Feel Free to add your own.

There are good dates and bad ones.  The good ones hold in close and smile. But the bad ones? The statute of limitations has run out on some of those.

Dates from Hell. We've all had one, or will. My worst, a couple of years before I met my husband, was a fellow that came over for a fancy dinner I cooked, then proceeded to pull out a little hand held video game and play it for an hour, totally ignoring me on the couch next to him. I finally said "uh, what are you doing? and he said "I'm getting so and so to the next level!"  This was NOT some kid, this was a 40 something year old neurobiologist.

He did NOT get to the next level.

When I was just a pup, one of the mechanics that worked on the airplanes I flew, asked out a lady that was on the city council. She was attractive, educated and well dressed. He liked the attractive part enough to ignore that they might not have a lot in common as he was sort of a country boy and she was more designer clothes and politics.  They went to dinner, and did not have anything in common, so he just told her he enjoyed meeting her and they could remain friends but there wouldn't be a second date. She seemed to take that well and thanked him for the friendship.

That night he started getting phone calls from different people with different voices, but not QUITE different, telling him what a jerk he was and how wonderful this lady was and he should see her again.  It turns out his date had multiple personalities and all of them started to stalk him. He said the one named "Oscar" creeped him out the most. He ended up moving and changing his phone number. She was probably elected to Congress.

But still, we  open ourselves up there in the dating world, which can be a wonderful adventure, or simply that giant rock rolling down the hill at you.

Love can make us do things we normally wouldn't consider. It can lead to a buddy asking a vegan to go turkey hunting, only to have the girl jump up at the first sight of a trio of young turkeys yelling "Run Mr. Turkey, Run for your Life!" It made one young lady from a friends workplace, flushed with happy anticipation of her first  serious date with her long time crush, spend $100 for top of the line lift and firm undergarments.  Love made her glad she did, disappointment made her set her new lingerie on fire. In his office. During a meeting with his biggest client.
Chasing it was more fun than catching it.

But we still get out there, we get our hearts ripped out, stomped on and set on fire and eventually we put on our brave faces and get back to living, and if we're lucky, find someone special we can laugh with.

So, for those of you new to the dating scene, stuck in it or getting back into it, here is some Barkly Memories and Dating Disclaimers.

Disclaimer: Dating is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. All models over 18 years of age. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. No other warranty expressed or implied. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers.  Subject to change without notice.

Terms subject to change without notice.  Times approximate. Simulated picture. Do not attempt to put in pants.  Don't try in your living room, these are trained professionals.. Use only as directed  Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement

May contain nuts.

One size fits all. Edited for television. Keep cool, process promptly. Return to sender. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Add toner. Your canceled check is your receipt. Sanitized for your protection. Sign here without admitting guilt. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Not actual size.

You must be present to win.
Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Reproduction strictly prohibited. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. No user serviceable parts installed.

You must be this tall to ride the ride.
No transfers issued until the ride comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. For external use only. Tumble dry on low heat. Do not spindle, fold or mutilate.

Safety goggles may be required during use.

Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. Action figures sold separately. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. Substantial  penalty for early withdrawal
Slightly higher west of the Rockies.
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball!

Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, pestilence or projectile (including but not limited to bullets, arrows, BB's, lasers, sharks with frikin lasers, shrapnel, torpedoes rock/paper/scissors, and Alpha, Beta or Gamma rays), neglect, incorrect line voltage, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to vehicular accident or snake bite. Detonation of nuclear weapons will void this policy. Other restrictions may apply.

Lastly, for those of us who are no longer youngsters.

Contents may have settled.


  1. You forgot the ankle bracelet guy, who confused LEO with the astrological sign!

  2. Laika - thanks for stopping and the smile!

    Monkeywrangler - oh, that one was epic. Left me holding a $60 bill for the dinner ordered and not eaten and no ride home.

  3. Mom once told us about a date she went on with a guy she called "Dog Faced Boy". Now me and Stanley thought that meant he was handsome but mom says that was not true. She said when she met him that the lighting was very poor. She said she did not realize he was much younger than she was either. She also did not know he drove a wreck of a car that looked like it hadn't been safe for at least a decade. And she questioned it he ever brushed his teeth.

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  4. Joey dog here. Dates are a kind of wrinkly, dried fruit with hard pits. Does that help? I don't know.

    Chester here. Disregard ding-a-ling's comment above. We always bark at dates. That's why they never come to our house.

    Ghostwriter here. I can never remember the date to save my life, even though I have calendars all over the house!


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